TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️

Mention of suicide, self harm & cheating

She sighed as she glanced at the time on her phone. It was 6:02 p.m. Soon her bus would come, and she'd get to go home and drown herself in books and darkness.

She still couldn't understand why she chose to take a long way to go home when she could just take the metro. Perhaps it was the memories they made together. She missed traveling with him, but alas, he wasn't hers anymore.

Her bus came to a halt at the stop, and she joined the line to climb in the bus.

But her heart dropped in her stomach as she stepped inside the bus. Her eyes filled with tears. His voice caught her attention. The enthusiasm and happiness were clear in his voice, something that was missing when he used to talk to her.

The shine was back in his eyes now-the shine that was lost when she was with him. Maybe she was the reason behind his every grief.

He didn't even notice her, or maybe did, but chose to ignore her. He was sitting on the same seat; the only difference was that it wasn't her beside him anymore; it was some other girl he fell in love with.

"Chala pudhe chala darwazya vr ubhe naka rahu." The bus conductor's voice pulled her out of her reverie.

(Walk ahead. Don't stand at the gate.)

She nodded and blinked through tears, then straightly went ahead and sat on the seat quietly.

He left, and she couldn't even stop him. How could she? He was right; she ruined the concept of love for him, but didn't he see her efforts? She tried her best, but still she lost him.

She still remembers his words very clearly-how he said that she never loved him the way he wanted to be loved.

"You never loved me the way I wanted to be loved, Idhika." Harsh said with slightly watery eyes as he saw tears welling up in Idhika's eyes.

"Baby, you said you would never leave me. I'm sorry. Tell me how you want to be loved. I'll love you like that, but please don't leave. I can't live without you, baby." Idhika said it through a sore throat and tears. Her heart was pounding in her chest, and it was hurting so bad between her chest.

"I don't know Idhika. I didn't even realize it when I fell for her. She's just like me, Idhika. She has no past, no friends, and no one to call her her own. Just like me."

"But you have me to call yours!" She whispered while her lips quiver as she held back the urge to scream at him.

"And you had a past Idhika. A past which till today hurts me so much but she doesn't. She have no past. The only person she ever liked was me." Idhika looked at him flabbergasted. She couldn't believe her ears.

Did she heard him right? All because she had a past before him?

For God sake! She didn't even knew about him back then, if she did then she wouldn't have had a past with anyone else. More tears poured out of Idhika's eyes.

"Idhika, please don't cry. I can't see tears in your eyes." He raised his hands to wipe her tears, but she stepped back. The thing that was hurting more was that he was calling her by her name.

And what does he mean he can't see tears in her eyes? Isn't he the reason behind those tears?

"You too have a past, Harsh. I'm your past now. You're nothing like her." Idhika said bitterly, leaving Harsh baffled.

Pyaar bhale hi nahi tha ab humare bich mein ya phir shayad mere dil mein, par uske liye chinta hamesha rahegi mere dil mein.

( Even though love was no longer between us or maybe in my heart, but the concern for Idhika will always be in my heart.)

Bhale hi pyaar nahi tha ab mujhe usse par uske aankho mein aasu aaj bhi nahi dekh sakta hu mein. Woh khete hai na, pehla pyaar hamesha pehla hota hai, uski jagah koi aur kabhi nahi le sakta.

(Even though I didn't love her, I couldn't see the tears in her eyes even today. He is right who said, the first love is always the first, no one can ever replace them)

"Leave Harsh. Be with the one who makes you happy. I'll not force you to stay with me and suffocate you. Live happily with her. If that's what you want, be with her. I'll be fine on my own." She looked at him in the eyes and said that, as much as it would hurt her to see him with someone else, it would also make her happy that he was happy.

When did he start finding solace in someone else's arms? He said he would never leave, no matter what, but he did.

"Reh logi mere bina?" She smiled through tears and shook her head.

(Will you be able to live without me?)

"Nahi. Par rehna toh padega na, Harsh. Ab jab mera tumhare saath rehna tumhe chubne laga hai toh tumse durr reh ke tumhe khush toh karna padega na. Wada jo kiya tha, ki chahe kuch hojaye tumhe khush rakhna ka mauka nahi chodungi. Tum khush raho, bhale hi kisi aur ke saath. Mein apna kuch dekh lungi. Tum meri fikra mat karo. Jao aur uske saath khush raho."

(No. But i have to, Harsh. Now that my presence have started bothering you, I have to stay away from you and keep you happy. After all, I promised, I wouldn't leave a chance to make you happy. So even if not with me, just stay happy. I'll do something with myself. Don't worry about me. You go and be happy with her.)

Harsh could feel her heart breaking. He never wanted to be the reason for her heartbreak, but he became one.

The girl who was everything at one point in his life was close to nothing now. She once told him that she knows she's replaceable but is so thankful to him that he didn't replace her. He assured her that he would never replace her and that she wasn't replaceable.

But he indeed gave someone else the place in his heart that belonged to her, but she was still the owner of that place because she was the one who owned it first.

Pyaar bhale hi nahi tha shayad ab uss dil mein, par woh dil yeh kabhi nahi bhul payega ki jab kisi ne usko pyaar nahi kiya tha uss waqt Idhika ne usse pyaar kiya, shayad uske pyaar mein kami thi par koshish usne puri ki thi ki usse koi kami kabhi mehsoos na ho.

(Maybe love wasn't there in his heart anymore, but his heart will never forget that when nobody else loved him, Idhika loved him at that time. And maybe there was something missing in her love but she tried her best to make sure that he didn't feel any fault in her love.)

Everything that he once said to her, he did with her; now probably he does with her. Does he dream of having a future with her like he did with Idhika?

The corner of her lips curled upward as she stared at the scar on her hand. One, or maybe more, scars were going to appear on her wrist tonight. Also, the bruise on her knuckles; maybe this time the skin will bust open or the bruise will get more darkened.

She turned her head to look at them once, but her eyes met with his. He looked at her too. Her heart sped up, and she quickly turned her head back and looked out of the window.

He saw her, and his heart dropped. What has she done to herself? This wasn't the Idhika he knew.

If this keeps on going, she'll kill herself one day. He saw her when she stepped into the bus but didn't say anything and ignored her. But when he looked at her, she turned her head back to look at them.

The life wasn't there anymore in her eyes. It was like she was dead.

She was right when she said, "Tumhare bina zinda toh reh lungi, but jee kabhi nahi paungi." And he replied, "Tumhare bina mein zinda bhi nahi rahe paunga."

(I'll be alive without you but I won't ever live.)

(Without you I won't be able to even stay alive.)

She actually wasn't living without him, but he was. He was happily living without her.

Pyaar toh Harsh ka bhi sacha tha, toh phir kyu aaj Idhika ka yeh haal tha? Kyu aaj woh jee kar bhi jee nahi rahi thi? Kyu aaj Harsh khush tha apni zindagi mein par Idhika nahi thi?

Idhika ka pyaar aaj bhi tha par shayad Harsh ka pyaar khatam hogaya. Kya pyaar aise hi khatam hojata hai? Aur jab hota hai toh kya hota hai un wado ka jo humane tab kiye hote hai jab hum pyaar mein hote hai?

Kya unka koi mahatva nahi hota? Woh wade waise hi reh jate hai?

Bhagwan ki leela bhi toh kitni anokhi hai. Kisne socha tha jo ek dusre ke bine ek din nahi reh sakte the, aaj ek dusre se alag reh rahe the. Ek dusre ke bina reh rahe the. Aur unmein se ek apni zindagi ke saath khush tha. Bhale hi ek magar khush toh tha.

(Harsh also loved her truthfully then why was Idhika's condition like this? Why today even though she was alive, she wasn't living? Why, today Harsh was happy in his life but Idhika wasn't?

Idhika still loved him but maybe Harsh's love for Idhika was dead. Does love end like this? And when that happens, what happens to the promises we make when we are in love?

Do they have no importance? Those promises are left alone and forgotten just like the love?

The glory of God is also so unique. Who would've thought that the one who could not live a day without each other, today were living apart from each other. Remained without each other. And somehow one was happy with his life. Even though he was one, he was happy.)

"Next stop, Borivali." Idhika gathered her things, stood up from her seat, and joined the line.

The fact that she still travelled from Kandivali to Borivali just to go back to Malad was unclear. She still traveled the way she used to travel with him. Because she missed it all. If she could go back and change it all, then definitely she would. She would never let him leave.

Or maybe she would warn herself to stay away from everyone, maybe she would yell at herself for staying up all night and talking to him. Slap herself for letting anyone breakdown the wall of her heart when she knew everyone at some point leaves her alone to suffer.

It was a cycle of her life. They come, they talk, she gets attached and then they leave her alone to suffer and figure everything by herself.

Or the best option would be to end herself. The problem would be solved then. Nobody would be able to hurt her ever again if she won't even exist in this world.

Yes. That would be the best option. End herself.